Need I say more?

I drink water or coffee. That’s about it. However living in Arizona drinking hot coffee in the afternoon is like torture so iced coffee is the way to go.

It was a glorious day when I found this recipe online from the Pioneer Woman to make your own iced coffee concentrate. Now I am going to pay it forward and brighten up your day by sharing the recipe with you!

First you need to start with a good strong coffee. I recommend this one by Café Bustelo. The amazing thing about this coffee is that it is espresso coffee, so you get a nice strong coffee but it’s mild and not bitter. Plus it is crazy cheap. You get a 10 oz. package for only $2.99 and that makes a whole lot of coffee concentrate.

Okay, so you will need a large pitcher. I use one that holds roughly 12 cups of water. Fill that with nice cold filtered water. Next, add in your coffee. For that 12 cup pitcher I use half of a bag of the Café Bustelo coffee, so that would be about 5 ounces of coffee or so. Like I said before, this is espresso coffee so it comes a little stronger, if using a more mild coffee I would up the coffee to water ratio. Once you make this a couple of times you will find the ratio that you like. Once you add the coffee directly to the water stir it around and cover the pitcher. Let this sit for at least 24 hours.

Once the coffee has steeped for about a day its time to strain out the coffee grounds. I do this by taking a small mesh strainer and placing a coffee filter inside. Slowly pour the coffee ground mixture into the strainer to strain out all the grounds. Once you are done you will have at least enough coffee concentrate for a cup of iced coffee everyday for a couple of weeks. Store this in an airtight container in your fridge and thank me later!


Now its time for making your drink! This recipe is for a caramel flavored iced coffee.

Have y’all seen the syrups in the coffee section of your grocery store? If you haven’t fear not because Amazon has about a million different flavors. For this recipe we will use the caramel syrup but you can use whatever flavor you would like!

You will need your coffee concentrate, caramel coffee syrup, half and half (or whatever type of milk you like to use) and ice.


Go ahead and fill your glass with ice. (Just so you know for these pictures I used a 24 ounce mason jar, I can’t drink that much coffee or I would be a mess so I filled it about 3/4 of the way full by the time it was finished.)


Pour in about 2 tablespoons (more or less) of the caramel syrup. Next pour in your coffee concentrate leaving room for your cream. Then top off with a little cream.


After you pour in the cream give it a good stir because the syrup will want to stay at the bottom. Then enjoy, and thank me because this is seriously delicious and so so cheap!


Now go have a good day and make yourself some Iced Coffee!


Caramel Iced Coffee

Iced Coffee Concentrate (Recipe to Follow)


Caramel Coffee Syrup to taste

Half and Half to taste

A cute glass to drink it out of

Iced Coffee Concentrate (Adapted From The Pioneer Woman)

12 Cup Pitcher

12 Cups of Cold Water

5 Ounces of Café Bustelo Coffee Espresso

Pour water in pitcher add ground coffee cover and allow to steep for 24 hours. Strain coffee grounds and store in airtight container in refrigerator.





My heart was open. I was finally allowing myself to work through the emotions. I finally began to speak of the pain.

But it’s just not fair. Why is my baby gone?

I allowed myself to share my feelings with others. My thoughts of pain, sadness, anger, and confusion. I finally let the words come out.

It wasn’t just you. You aren’t the only one who lost the baby.

Those words opened up a whole new idea to me. I had been so consumed with my own pain that I hadn’t even thought of the pain or hurt this loss caused everyone else who was close to me. I hadn’t thought of my husband or my parents or anyone who had celebrated the joy of this little one. The thought that I wasn’t alone in this hurt helped the healing.

I began to see the significance of my faith. Death is awful. The loss of children, even more horrible. But, because of my Savior I know one day there wont be anymore death and every tear will be wiped away. Knowing this and truly believing this brought a newfound peace into my heart.

My husband and I flew to California for a few days of rest. God surrounded us on this trip. From the second we left there was a supernatural closeness between the two of us. I began to appreciate my husbands heart even more then I had before. You see I always had this pretty good life. Not much heartache, not much loss. My husband on the other hand has had his fair share. His heart really feels these emotions and his heart really felt mine. He had all the right words when they were needed and knew when they weren’t.

We walked on the beach and I inhaled life. We began to talk and dream of what was to come. And it felt good. It wasn’t like I was wanting to replace this little one, it was more like this little one had opened my heart and eyes to see that our family wasn’t complete. We weren’t done. God had more in store for us.

At the end of our trip I felt like my heart had been stirred and shaken. I was longing for God to take this heartache and use it for his glory. I was ready to see what it was He had in store for us. To see the next piece of our journey.

During one of our last walks on the beach I walked into the ocean and stood with my arms open wide. I stood there as the waves crashed into me and I let go.

God, heal my broken heart. Take this pain away. Help me to truly know that my baby is in your arms. Heal me.

It was almost supernatural.

I began to feel the calmness take over me. I finally felt peace.

I knew my baby was in His arms and I knew that something wonderful would come from this experience. This baby’s purpose would be something that was lifelong. Something that would slowly reveal itself to me over the years. I would peel back the layers of my healing heart only to be shown more truth and hope and fruit. Every life has a purpose, and this baby’s purpose would be fulfilled in God’s timing not ours.

Through this struggle and heartache God has redeemed me and grown me. Through that growth I am slowly beginning to see the fruit that is reaping. My husband and I are connected on a completely different level. We learned how to lean on each other and more importantly I learned how to let him take care of my heart. I saw God’s faithfulness. I saw Him holding me through the dark days even when I was shouting in anger toward Him. I was eventually blessed with a beautiful baby boy who wouldn’t be in our family otherwise. This baby boy has brought true healing and that pregnancy grew my faith in God to another extreme.

But the newest gift that I am seeing through this whole experience is the ability I have in shedding just a little light on this subject. This is such a quiet topic between women and it is one that isn’t talked about much unless you really hear someone else’ story. If my words can reach those that need to hear them then God is using this for good. I hope that those that have walked through this season or those who are in the midst of it know that God is bigger than this and He truly is faithful and has a beautiful plan for you.

Thank you for being so kind to me while I shared my story with you. I pray that each of you know how much that really has meant to me. And if any of you need to talk about your experience or if you just need to get your feelings out know that I am here and you can email me whenever! Thank you all again, and God bless.


Make sure to read the other parts of my story, A Story of Hope and A Story of Grief

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What a fun project this was. I so enjoy making special spaces throughout my home, and finally creating a big girl room was even more fun than I could have imagined. This room has sort of evolved over the past two years and a lot of the pieces are either thrifted, passed down, or are a DIY project. Baby girl was involved in a lot of the process and loved being right there while we put it all together.033

Even though she was so involved and excited about creating her new special space, she hates her bed. I wouldn’t say she hates the way it looks, because how could she it’s so cute right? But she hates the idea of sleeping in it. So, for now she sleeps in the babies room where her old bed (crib) is. That’s okay. No rush for her, she is still so little in my eyes that I don’t need to force her to grow up.

I will give you a breakdown of where a lot of the pieces in her room are from but I want to elaborate on one part.

The tree.

This tree has been on the wall ever since my first born was brought home. This was the original nursery and that tree was part of his “jungle theme” room. My sweet husband surprised me on my first mothers day (with baby still in my stomach) by having this room painted with a giant mural of jungle animals. It was beautiful. So much talent went into painting that room.

Well fast forward a few years to when baby girl was born. This became her nursery and the husband surprised me by saving the tree and making it girly by adding flowers. This tree is something that is so special to me because it brings back memories of each of my new babies. Because of that it will probably stay on the wall until we leave this home.

Anyways, I hope you enjoy her room as much as I do and that you see you don’t need much to create a special space in your home.

Bed– Thrifted (Jenny Lind similar here)

Bedding– Ross (similar here)

Pillows– Gifted

Rug– Ross ( similar DIY here)

Dresser– Thrifted

Shutters– Thrifted

Frame– Hobby Lobby

Print– via

Lamp– Thrifted and spray painted white

Lampshade– Thrifted

Canvas Prints– DIY

Crosses– Given to me over the years

I Love you this much figure– My grandmothers

Fabric Garland– DIY


1. Our weekend started off with the husband taking the big boys up north for a few days in the woods riding dirt bikes and fishing. Man oh man this is totally my boys love language. Like I have said before the husband works and works…and then he works some more. That makes these weekends extra special and my boys come home filled up. They love their Daddy something fierce and there is nothing better to them then getting a whole weekend with Daddy all to themselves.

2. Since the boys were gone that left us girls all alone, but luckily my amazing sister in law came to visit for the weekend. We filled our days up with lunch dates and shopping and ended it with a “beauty shop” night as the little miss would say. I cut everyone’s hair…including the little, and we painted nails. Baby girl was beyond herself, like I mentioned before she loves getting pretty now-a-days so haircuts and painted nails are like heaven for her.

3. Saturday afternoon we spent the day creating a big girl room. Baby girl and I shopped around all day trying to pick out the perfect stuff for her very own bed. My parents came over and helped me set everything up and move the crib into the babies room. Once we got her room set up all pretty she decided she didn’t like the bed. She has been sleeping in the babies room ever since. I’m in no rush to get her to change rooms so I guess we will feel this one out and let her slowly make the transition. I will post pictures of her finished room tomorrow for you all to see.

4. Like I said we moved the crib into the babies room and he seemed to love it. However, I am being a little selfish in wanting to keep him small so I’m not quite ready to transition him into a crib right now. This works out perfectly since baby girl likes sleeping in his room. I am still in the process of finishing his room so once its done I will definitely post some pictures.

This weekend was fun and full. I really spent a lot of time enjoying the moments and memories that were made. I don’t have many pictures from the past few days but it was nice to unplug a little and see life through my own eyes instead of from behind a camera. I hope that you all had memorable weekends as well. Enjoy your holiday today and come back tomorrow to see pictures of baby girls new room!


Linked with Blair over at Wid&Precious



During summers in Arizona I tend to cook a lot of meals that don’t require a lot of heat. This means we eat a lot of salads. Now my husband is very much a meat and potato man, so salads aren’t really his “thing”. This means I have to get creative and make some “manly food” into salads. That is exactly how the idea of this salad came to be, I took a guy favorite, the chicken wing, and turned it into a salad. Also, I’m pretty sure Chili’s has some sort of salad like this on their menu so it must be good right!?

For this salad you are going to need: lettuce, boneless chicken breast, carrots, celery, tomato, avocado, chicken wing sauce, ranch dressing, and some croutons.

Now, as far as the lettuce goes, I say pick your favorite. I always have romaine on hand so that is usually my go to, however you could also use green leaf lettuce or spinach and I’m sure it would be just as good. As for the wing sauce, you can find it at any grocery store near the condiments. Ranch dressing. Now this I am pretty picky about. I am not a fan of the bottled ranch so I don’t use that unless I have to. I personally like making my own. I just use the packet of all the spices and follow the directions on the back. Makes for a much tastier ranch dressing.

I went ahead and marinated my chicken in some of the wing sauce so it would be nice and juicy when I cooked it. You can marinate it for 30 minutes up to a day ahead of time, whatever time permits. I cooked the chicken on an indoor grill pan, however again, total preference on your cooking style. While the chicken is cooking I cut up all the veggies and prepared the salad. Once chicken is done slice it up, place it on top of salad, and top with a drizzle of ranch dressing and buffalo wing sauce.

To keep this salad kid friendly you can just leave off the buffalo wing sauce. This is a quick and easy dinner and will definitely please the man in your life.


Buffalo Chicken Salad

4 Boneless Skinless Chicken Breasts

1 Bottle Wing Sauce

Ranch Dressing

Lettuce (I used romaine, but green leaf or spinach would work well)

2 Tomatoes Chopped

2 Ribs of Celery Diced

Handful Baby Carrots Diced

1 Avocado Diced


Feeds 5 full portions

The baby is gone. I repeated those words over and over. I was numb. I didn’t feel anything. No sadness, no anger, nothing. I was empty, broken hearted, and numb.

Questions kept flooding my mind. Was it something I did? Why me? Where is my baby now?

Where is my baby now? That question was the hardest for me. That question rocked my faith. I’m a Christian I don’t have these types of questions. I KNOW where my baby is. But did I? I felt even more empty and even more numb.

I lost my baby at eight weeks. Technically that baby was tiny. How could that tiny little being be in Heaven? How? It just didn’t make sense. I was too prideful to ask anyone that question. What would they think of me? But my heart longed for an answer, how desperately I wanted to know. I wanted to hear the answer come out of someone else’s mouth and someone else’s mind. Where is my baby now?

I continued on with life, not asking the tough questions and not letting others know of the anger I felt. Why were they having a baby? All they do is complain about being pregnant or complain about the lack of sleep. How is any of that fair? I was angry, I wasn’t sad. I wasn’t sad?! Or at least I didn’t allow myself to feel that way. Numb. That was the only way to explain the emotion. I lost my baby. But I went on with life, just as I had before. I hugged my babies a little tighter and held on to them a little longer but I moved on.

Where is my baby now? That question haunted me. It consumed me. It was all that I could think about. I couldn’t get it through my mind that this tiny being could be in Jesus’ arms waiting for me. How?! It just didn’t make sense. Slowly my heart started to ache. Where is my baby now? Why was this something that was so hard for ME to grasp.

I kept up with my routine, put on a happy face, but soon that numb feeling began to consume me.

Is my baby in heaven? I finally mustered up the courage to ask a friend.

Yes! Where else would your baby be but in Jesus’ arms, waiting for you. Waiting for the day for you two to be reunited.

For the first time I finally allowed myself to feel a little.

My baby IS in heaven.

My baby is in Jesus’ arms. Safe from harm and safe from this world. Never will that baby have to feel hurt or pain or suffering. He will never lose his innocence or have to witness the evil of this world. And someday when my time comes I will see him and I will KNOW he is my baby and he will know I am his mama. I finally allowed myself to believe and know that God has a plan for each and every soul that is ever conceived. My baby had a purpose and he fulfilled that purpose before he ever made it to this earth.

I slowly began to open my heart. To let the rawness of my emotions be felt. But I held back. I couldn’t let it go. I couldn’t let it consume me. I couldn’t truly feel it. I knew where my baby was. I had finally answered that question. I didn’t need to feel.

I walked through my days numb and guarded my heart well.

And then I heard those words.

I’m pregnant.

I heard those words and I couldn’t breathe. It was as though I was drowning or someone literally sucked the air right out of my lungs. My whole body began to shake.

I’m pregnant.

The words rang in my ears again. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move, and then it came. All the emotions came on me like a tidal wave. I finally let it go. Sobs shook through my whole body. Finally, all the emotions were consuming me. I cried harder then I ever have.

Why? Why can they have a baby?

The tears just wouldn’t stop. I didn’t want them to. I let the sobs fill my chest and the tears fall from my eyes until they couldn’t anymore. Finally, I allowed myself to feel.

Those words brought pain. But that pain allowed my wounds to be opened up. I finally grieved, really grieved the loss of my baby. When that cry was done the pain wasn’t gone, but the process finally began. I began to allow myself to heal.

It doesn’t matter if you lose a baby at six weeks or at ten years. Losing a baby is losing a piece of your heart. You grieve, and you grieve in ways only you will understand. There is no ten step program to grief. It comes on in waves and in moments where you think it wouldn’t. I pray that God heals all the broken hearted mamas out there. And I pray that you allow yourself to grieve. However you need to. Don’t be ashamed, don’t keep it in. No matter how short or how long you grieve it will happen how it is supposed to. Just remember, God is with you during those times. The times when you are shouting in anger at Him and the times when you are clinging to Him with all you have. He is always there and He is never changing.

Psalm 107:19

Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress.

Please come back next week and join me in a story of healing. And if you haven’t read my story of hope you can do so here.



A few weeks ago we spent a long weekend up north on our families ranch property. This place is amazing, tons of trees and plenty of land for the kids to run on. They got to do what they do best, run and scream and play and get dirty. Eventually we would like to build a second home and spend all of our summers and vacations up there. However, until time and money permit, my sister-in-law and her husband graciously host us in their home on the property.


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My sister-in-law is amazing. She has always loved on my kids like they were her own. But I found myself apologizing over and over again. For the messes that were made, the fits that were thrown, the directions that were not followed, and the list goes on and on. I know that this is to be expected with kids, but I found myself being embarrassed that they weren’t living up to the standards that I had for them.

Looking back on that weekend got me thinking. Life isn’t perfect, and life with kids is even farther from being perfect. So why do I try so hard to make my kids fit into this mold only to be upset and embarrassed when it doesn’t happen. I am reminded over and over again that we are to humble ourselves. But instead of humbling myself before my fellow moms I tend to try to glorify myself. I lift myself up and make it look like I have it all put together and that everything fits into its picture perfect place. My human nature longs for that pat on the back, or the comment about how good of a job that I am doing, or how pretty and neat my home is.

This helps me to understand why social media is such a popular thing in our day and age. We can pick and choose the pretty things for all to see without having to show the places where we really don’t have it just right. I can show the bits of my home that are glamorous without showing the scuffed walls and old cracked tiles. I can show the plate of food that is all organic and healthy and hide the bag of Doritos my kids just ate. I do this to make myself look better. But in doing this I’m not just lifting myself up, I could be pulling others down. They see the pretty things and not the real life things.

So again I am reminded to humble myself. I am called to make every effort to lift others up and not bring them down. I hope that you all know that I don’t have it all together. My home is sometimes a mess, we don’t always eat organic healthy meals (gasp) my kids fight and I cry. But in the midst of that there is beauty, simple moments mixed in with the everyday that inspire me. Moments that I want to capture and keep forever.

My prayer is that I can keep it real with you all. That my little piece of this giant online world can bring glory to God and unite us as mamas. So I am giving myself a challenge. Sprinkled in with my feed on Instagram (which is the only social media I am any good at) I am going to start loading pictures of our nitty-gritty everyday moments. I’ll hash tag it #reallife. If you want to join me I would love to see some real life moments of other mamas out there! Because sometimes I think my mama heart will miss those as much as the picture perfect ones.


If you don’t already follow me on IG my name is @ashmclaughlin

PicMonkey Collage4


1. Friday afternoon we celebrated a good second week of school with donuts. I love little surprises to make a good school week worth it for the boys. They work so hard at their school so its nice to give them a little reward every now and then. If you all haven’t tried Pioneer Woman’s Iced Coffee then I highly suggest you do. It is an awesome afternoon treat and way cheaper than Starbucks. Finally, I have to share my new favorite thing! Instagram Shops…I have zero time to shop and this is fast, cheap, and super fun. This is from @yourclosetshops, you should totally follow Shanda…cutest stuff and even cuter packaging!

2. Saturday morning we woke up to rain. This never happens in Arizona. I enjoyed coffee and quiet time in the backyard! I am just starting the She Reads Truth: Women of the Bible Plan will you join me?

3.Saturday’s are lazy mornings for us. We stay in pajamas way longer than we should and enjoy slow quiet breakfasts, like this one on her sweet window seat. I am actually in the process of redoing the little miss’ room into a big girl room. I am thinking of making a sweet cushion for the window (like this one) so we can have more mornings like this.

4.We took advantage of the cool weather and went to our local farmers market. I love farmers markets, supporting local growers and just a fun time for everyone. I am loving all the kale that’s in season and really want to try out making kale chips. Any of you tried them?

5. We had a recent visit from the tooth fairy (twice this week for my sweet second born) so of course he had to spend his money. The dollar store is like the most magical place for my kids (is it just mine or is it anyone else’s?)  At least they love a good bargain, even if the toys only last for the day!

6. Little miss is at the best age ever. She loves getting “pretty” and is always my little partner while getting ready. I love that it is the simple things for her, a little blowdry and hair brushing and she is in heaven. Little miss is so confident already, I pray that it stays that way. Kind of this new scary thing for my mama heart, raising confident girls. Whoosh, I have a lot to learn.

7. After the farmers market we spent some time feeding the ducks. I really tried to spend this weekend slowing down with them and actually seeing them. Life goes by so fast and I feel like this weekend I was really reminded of that. Enjoy the simple moments my friends.

8. My love actually had Sunday off.  This was his first day off in over two weeks. Not only did he have zero days off he was late every single night so we haven’t seen him at all. So, if you couldn’t guess Sunday was extra special, a whole day with him all to ourselves. We spent the day dreaming as a family of what we want to do next. We randomly stopped when we saw this Airstream and dreamed of spending time on the road together as a family.

9. Boys and their toys. Why is the Apple Store every boys playground? Like I said before, we spent the weekend really seeing each other. We all slowed down and spent the time that was missed together.


I pray you all had a wonderful weekend as well. Check back in this week, I have lots of good stuff lined up. My heart has really been convicted lately of becoming more humble and I cant wait to share with you my thoughts on that. I will also be sharing with you my story of grief which follows my story of hope. Have a good Monday all! Mine is going to be full of catching up on all the things I let go this weekend!


**I got the idea of this picture collage from Annapolis and Company. If you don’t follow this blog you totally should! She is super inspiring and her blog is full of simple beauty. You can see the tutorial here.

It has been a pretty heavy week over here. On Wednesday I shared a little piece of my heart with my story of hope. Words cannot express how incredible you all made this mama feel, thank you for that. I had knots in my stomach the whole night before that post went up. I am glad it has touched so many of you and I pray that throughout the series God uses my words to help those of you who need it. Thank you again, the kind words and encouragement mean more then you know! So, to lighten things up I thought I would share one of my most favorite green smoothie recipes.



Smoothies are my go-to as a busy mama. I am going to keep it real for you all…I rarely make breakfast. Between packing lunches, nursing baby boy, and getting everyone dressed and out the door on time breakfast becomes sort of a fend for yourself type of thing. We have lots of cereal (the good kind of course so its not that bad right?) and lots of toast. Well, this is where smoothies fit in. I can load in as many vegetables as my Vitamix will hold and not feel so guilty for their carb loaded breakfast. Smoothies are also awesome for me because I find that my breakfast is usually missed in the craziness of mornings, so this way I can pour myself a big ol’ glass and call it a meal.

Lets get started. This recipe is for a Pina-Colada Green smoothie. I’ll now show you a pretty foodie pic…don’t laugh I’m new at this whole food photography thing…


Isn’t that pretty. I wasn’t kidding when I said I shove in as many veggies as possible. It’s the good stuff that matters! for this smoothie you will need some orange juice, kale, spinach, carrots, a banana, frozen pineapple and the secret ingredient, Coconut-Chia Kefir. I know, sounds weird but it totally is what makes this smoothie so good. You can find kefir in the area where all the yogurt is. It comes in a 32 oz container and the only brand I have ever seen this flavor in is Lifeway. Kefir is amazing stuff. Its awesome because it gives the smoothie the richness that yogurt does but Kefir is naturally gluten and lactose free. Kefir also has 12 active cultures which aid in digestion and with the added chia powder it has even more probiotics and antioxidants. Pretty good stuff right?!

Ok, so on with the blending. I have a little secret to make your smoothies blend as smooth as possible. Are you ready?! Have you all seen the demos at Costco for the Vitamix’s? I always get stuck waiting because the kids love all the treats they make. Anyways, I learned this trick from watching all of those demos. The order you put your ingredients in the blender greatly affects the way it blends. First you start with your juice.  On top of that put in any leafy greens, then on top of the greens go any hard vegetables and finally, in goes anything that is frozen. I always put the banana in last. On top of that I just pour a nice amount of the kefir, put on the lid, and blend.

Blend until very smooth.  I don’t like my smoothies really icy or thick but consistency is totally a preference thing so you can play around with that. This smoothie is really filling and honestly is like a tropical drink, you don’t even notice all the veggies. Your kids will love it and get all the fruits and vegetables they need without even knowing it! Enjoy!!!


1/2 cup Orange Juice

1/2 cup Coconut-Chia Kefir

2 Leaves of Kale (Stems attached only if you have a powerful blender)

Extra Large Handful of Baby Spinach

Extra Large Handful Baby Carrots

Handful of Frozen Pineapple

1 Banana


Place in blender in that order. Blend until smooth and enjoy immediately. Makes a large enough amount to serve 3 or 4.


I’m sorry. There is nothing there.

I laid on the table trying not to cry. My husband held my hand and kissed my forehead as the tears rolled down my cheeks.

Sometimes its not meant to be, your body knows when there is something wrong, its nothing that you did.

I laid there, nodding, completely vulnerable with my heart wide open feeling like it had been ripped from my chest. I couldn’t catch my breath, I couldn’t speak, but I just kept nodding and the tears just kept coming.  There was nothing there. Just like that it was gone. Didn’t He hear me? Didn’t He hear my prayers, my deep heartfelt cries up to Him? Why?

I’m sorry.

That’s all I kept hearing. I kept looking at the screen and there was nothing there. Just an empty space that used to be full. Just an empty broken heart that used to be exploding with joy.

I’m sorry.

I was late. I had just stopped breastfeeding Paisley and gone through my first cycle. In my gut, deep down, I knew. I kept taking test after test but they were all negative. The signs kept on coming. Intense nausea, so tired, so sick. Negative. Always negative. I think I took almost ten tests. Finally I convinced myself to take just one more.


Just like that my world was rocked.

Four kids?! But almost immediately, it changed from four kids, to FOUR KIDS!! My heart was full, I was giddy, and I couldn’t hold it in.

John and I began to dream and plan and talk about changing rooms and cars. I called my doctor and scheduled an appointment. I was seven weeks. I was dreaming of names and nursery details. Researching birth options and doctors. My heart was full. I was excited for our family to grow again and to have that squeaky baby in my arms. This was meant to be.

The week went on but the symptoms began to fade.

I must be working through this nausea thing. Why aren’t my breasts sore? Why am I not tired?

Weird I thought. I must be one of the lucky ones. The week went on…the hope continued.

Saturday night I tossed and turned and felt unusually crampy.

This is normal. What am I worried about? I’m just pregnant and uncomfortable.

Sunday morning I woke up and sat down to go to the bathroom. I knew. I called out to John and began to cry.

This was it. Why was this happening? This can’t be happening!

I cried. I prayed. I called my doctor and every close friend I knew who had experienced this. It wasn’t that much blood. But it was. I knew it was. But I kept holding onto the hope. Praying that it wasn’t really that much blood.

My doctor was up-beat and positive. He assured me this happens all the time and nothing was wrong. My hope grew. There wasn’t that much blood I told him. But the blood just kept coming. Hope.  I was holding out hope. Its okay, everything is okay. It wasn’t that much blood.

I cramped and cramped and felt sick all day. This was labor. I couldn’t believe it. I cried out to Him. Keep my baby safe! Keep my baby alive! Stop the bleeding! But the blood. It just kept coming. Not that much I kept saying.

I went to the doctor the next day, the day I was supposed to see them for my eight week visit. I sat there. I couldn’t speak, couldn’t move, wouldn’t cry. John held my arm. He was there for me in ways that I didn’t even know that I needed. They called me to the desk and handed me paperwork. I sat down started filling it out only to see it was the paperwork for my eight week appointment. I felt the knot in my stomach beginning to well up. This is it. I walked up, I think I lost the baby.

It felt as though I was giving up hope. Those words weren’t supposed to come out of my mouth. Oh. I’m sorry, you don’t need to fill these out. I muttered a thank you and sat back down.

There was glowing beautiful pregnant women sitting all around me. Don’t cry. I stared forward. I couldn’t look at them or I would lose it. Don’t cry. I couldn’t think, I just sat there trying to breathe. Holding out hope.

We walked back only to answer more questions. The blood…no not that much and I think it stopped. Hope. I was still holding out for it. Oh sweetie, your still bleeding here use this. Oh. The hope. It was slowly starting to fade away.

The test was negative. But its okay lets just take a look. Hope. They still seemed to have it too, or were they just being nice? Either way I still held out for it.

God please save this baby. Have everything be okay. I repeated over and over as we sat and waitied for the doctor to come into the ultrasound room. Please God, please!

Hope. I was clinging to it with everything that I had. Desperately calling upon My Lord to perform some sort of miracle. Every ounce of me was clinging to that hope, praying for that miracle, because I knew that was all that was left. Hope. Hope that God did the impossible, that my baby was still alive, that everything would be okay.

Oh sweetie I’m so sorry. Sometimes these things aren’t meant to be. Its nothing you did. Your body just knows. You can try again.

The hope. I finally had to give up on it. Let go. And then the tears began to roll down my cheeks.



If you have experienced a loss please know that my heart goes out to you and breaks over and over again. I pray for the women that know this pain, that their hearts heal and God give them peace. I also pray for those that don’t know this pain, that they never have to experience such heartache. This isn’t the end of my story. Please come back next week and join me for a story of grief. We all experience grief so differently, and God uses our heartaches for good. Working through this grief was something that grew my faith more then I ever thought possible.